Two-Fisted Toy Talk!

These Toys Aren't Going to Photograph Themselves…

Never Even Caught Her Name

Performers ranging from Bon Jovi to Tenacious D have written songs about the grueling glories of travel; my favorite might be “Touring”, a Ramones song so dated that its lyrics boast of the “videotape deck” on the band’s tour bus.

Mysteriously, neither Simon and Garfunkel’s “Homeward Bound” nor Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page” explores how it feels to travel for three months in a Toyota Dolphin in search of a job and home, so defeated by the all-consuming tragedy of toys left in storage that you are reduced to lurking on My Little Pony forums in search of photos of Monster High dolls.

Which is my roundabout way of saying that I have no new toy photos to share, with the exception of a half-dozen portraits of the Monster High Skull Shores Ghoulia Yelps doll I scored a couple weeks ago with the aid of a Wal-Mart gift card. Poe Ghostal has graciously agreed to publish my review of the doll in question, and I have opted not to share the photos here at the increasingly inaccurately named Two-Fisted Toy Talk! until the review appears at Poe Ghostal’s Points of Articulation.

But just because I have no new photos doesn’t mean I have no half-assed creativity to share, for just as I only owned a Nintendo 64 so that I could spend hours using the Create-a-Wrestler feature to craft comical portraits of my friends and loved ones—prompting my wife, who had already playfully dismissed the Nintendo as a “divorce machine”, to deem WWF No Mercy an “elaborate paper doll game”—I sometimes suspect that I only collect and study and lazily kitbash toys so that I can create silly new names for them.

As noted above, I finally acquired a Monster High doll. But one doll, no matter how charming, cannot accommodate the product of several months of nonsensical brainstorming. So it is that I find myself with lists of dozens of names of original Monster High characters I hope to someday create.

Here are some of my favorites:

*Lucy Fuge, Samantha Hain and Anne Zig

The daughters of Glenn Danzig, naturally. For the uninitiated, Lucifuge is the title of Danzig’s brilliant second album; Samhain was the band he formed after The Misfits broke up.


Ideally, at least one of the three Danzig girls will have a “deathlock” haircut, but I have never customized doll hair, so it is not likely.

I will probably use the skeleton doll from one of the Create-a-Monster sets as a base for at least one of the three girls, and possibly for all of them.


Photo Appears Courtesy of BarbWireBlonde2 at Flickr


For this doll to be successful, I must seek assistance from someone whose customizing skills include painting and sculpting, for I envision her flesh rotting away in places to reveal the muscle or perhaps even the bone underneath. I have also decided that the shy, self-conscious Leproscilla wears veils… to hide her remaining skin.

Her Garbage Pail Kids-stye alternate names are Rotricia and Skinderella.

*Peggy Suture

Frankie Stein has already claimed the stitches gimmick, but such is my inordinate fondness for the name “Peggy Suture” that I aim to make her anyway. It’s a better name than Frankie Stein, surely; is she supposed to be the daughter of Doctor Frankenstein, or his monster?


I picture a sweet, innocent Monster High doll face… with the arm of another doll protruding from her mouth. Unfortunately, Mattel has yet to produce an open-mouthed Monster High doll, the fascists.


The Create-a-Monster Design Lab comes with a doll whose head has no facial features. The Lab’s gimmick entails decorating the featureless head with various eyeball and mouth stickers. But I say bugger all that hocus-pocus, ’cause the blank face looks creepy and cool.


I also have vague plans for a group of disturbing nurses; think of the unendurable hospital scene from Jacob’s Ladder and you’ll have a sense of the vibe I hope to evoke. Here are the names I’ve come up with for the evil nurse group so far: Hypo Negative (daughter of the late Pete Steele, I suppose), Poison I.V., Sedatiff and Intra Venus. Needles are a theme, clearly.

Other names I’ve recorded but for which I have no particular plan include Demonica, Straight Jackie, Corpus Christine (or Corpus Christing, if I choose to use the Create-a-Monster bee girl), Chemonique, Batterina, Serpentricia, Meg Night, Baroque Shields, Horrorthy Gale, Cassandroid, Anne Putee, Betty Krueger, Debris Harry, Chewbecca, and Resident Eva. I would also like to create a pair of “scisstors”, although I have yet to identify either of them by name.

You see what prolonged unemployment does to a man?


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