I Fell Through the Ice of Alice
I have never played a Resident Evil video game, nor have I seen any of the Resident Evil movies. And while at age eleven I was quite smitten with her based on her miniskirt-clad cameo on an episode of Married… With Children, I am these days politely indifferent to actress Milla Jovovich, who portrays the (presumably) heroic Alice in all those Resident Evil movies.
Nonetheless, my Most Wanted Toy of All Time (this week) is the Hot Toys Resident Evil: Afterlife Milla Jovovich-as-Alice action figure, pictured here:
Initially, I wanted the Alice toy for the same reason I want every damn action figure Hot Toys has ever produced: because their sculptors and painters boast the kind of talent that leads to accusations of witchcraft and Satan worship. Here are two of the most devastating examples:
Photo Appears Courtesy of Michael Crawford
Recently, however, I have contrived a more urgent justification for acquiring Alice, although to be fair there is probably no justification sufficiently urgent to account for the doll’s $140 price tag, particularly if one takes into account the fact that my plan will also require a second Hot Toys figure that is no less cripplingly expensive than Alice:
That’s New Goblin, a dull character from a dull, bloated movie called Spider-Man 3. I hate the film and I hate the character, and yet I want the toy, or at least his accessories, seen here:
All New Goblin Photos Appear Courtesy of Michael Crawford
My plan is to donate those accessories to Alice and turn her into a contemporary Dorothy, from The Wizard of Oz. The green weapons and hoverboard from New Goblin will be bits of gear that Dorothy stole from a soldier in the Emerald City. Admittedly, most geeks will look at the result and see Alice with some green weapons, but since I’ve never seen the Resident Evil movies, I can treat the Alice figure as a blank canvas.
That said, I do intend to customize her somewhat, including at least repainting her boots to be something of a modern, punk-rock take on the ruby slippers. I may go meta and have her wear a Dark Side of the Moon shirt, too. We’ll see. This is of course all comically theoretical, as I remain unemployed and homeless, and thus it is unlikely that I will find a way to spend $300 on an uninspired Dorothy kitbash anytime soon.
If I do opt to create the Pink Floyd shirt, I may have to place a bullet-proof vest beneath it to compensate for the toy’s most glaring feature:
Seriously, I fear I’ll cut my fingers on those damn things. I’m having flashbacks to those heady days when the Sex and the City wardbrobe crew first discovered fake nipples, prompting my wife to chant “Nipples! Nipples!” whenever she wanted to watch another episode.
The two photos above and the photo below all appear courtesy of a guest reviewer at Michael Crawford’s Review of the Week, identified only as “Jeff”. What I love about the photo below is that Alice’s gun dominates the foreground, reducing Alice to an almost impressionistic blur… and yet her nipples are still prominent.
And now I’m off to read more of The Marvelous Land of Oz.