Two-Fisted Toy Talk!

These Toys Aren't Going to Photograph Themselves…

Window Shopping: MOTUC

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Photo Appears Courtesy of He-Man.org

On a blog I’ve long since abandoned, I announced on November 22, 2008 that I would buy Mattel’s Masters of the Universe Classics He-Man figure.

I still haven’t done it.

Since I am most likely going to be unemployed a week from now, He-Man will continue to elude me. I have but one recourse, then… digital window shopping!

Here are the figures I want most from Mattel’s Masters of the Universe Classics series:

Moss Man:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Clarkent78 at Flickr

The vintage Moss Man figure was a highlight of the strange, charming Masters of the Universe series of the 1980s, and this update has many merits all its own. Also, there is something about anthropomorphic plant-life that I find compelling (see also Swamp Thing and Man-Thing).

If I had my druthers, though, I’d get some talented geek to de-flock him for me, like so:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Buzzy Fret at Action Figure Pics

He looks more natural this way, because the articulation doesn’t interfere with the sculpt to the same extent; those “bald” patches on the Mattel version just call attention to the joints, which are the ugliest part of any action figure.

Chief Carnivus:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Matthew K at The Fwoosh

You’ll notice that many of the figures I like most from Masters of the Universe Classics are the figures your average fan finds lacking. This probably stems from the fact that, while I still harbor some considerable affection for He-Man and his goofy pals and enemies, I have never taken their narratives seriously. As such, I want most of these toys simply because I think they’d be fun to photograph outdoors; I couldn’t care less about the characters they’re meant to represent.

Carnivus calls to mind ThunderCats and Stan Winston’s Realm of the Claw figures, as well as the various FANtastic series of toys, all sculpted, like Carnivus and every other MOTUC figure, by The Four Horsemen. Put simply, he’s a goddamn cat in a cape, and I want one!

Palace Guards:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Chase Variant

I will never buy these guys, as they are too expensive for my meager finances. Hell, that goes for pretty much everyone on this list; Masters of the Universe Classics figures are brutally overpriced on the secondary market.

Still, their gear is sculpted beautifully, and the interchangeable heads are excellent and, lazy kitbasher that I am, I find it highly appealing that one need only swap new heads onto the basic Palace Guard bodies in order to troop-build the hell out of them.

Icarius:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Michael Crawford

I know nothing about this character, and I remain politely indifferent to his comical resemblance to Val Kilmer. I simply appreciate the figure’s almost startlingly overt pulp aesthetic; he’s like something from an old Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers radio program. I should very much enjoy photographing him in the Snake River Canyon in Twin Falls, Idaho, after which I would most likely give him away to some child or another.

Vikor:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Michael Crawford

I have never photographed a viking-themed action figure. This is my greatest failing as a man. As such, I do not simply want a Vikor action figure. I need one.

Optikk (Cosmic Roadie of The Residents):

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Michael Crawford

One thing I always liked about Hasbro’s wildly underrated G.I. Joe Sigma 6 series was that each figure maintained a delicate and unlikely balance between astounding badassery on the one hand and, on the other hand, alarming levels of cuteness. Optikk achieves this balance, too. From the neck down: wicked battle armor! From the neck up: *snigger*.

Battleground Evil-Lyn:

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Photos Appear Courtesy of Doc Thomas and Poe Ghostal

The Simpsons-esque skin tones of the vintage Evil-Lyn figure struck me as unnecessarily and distractingly gaudy even when I was a kid, and I was disappointed when Mattel opted to replicate that unfortunate color in their Classics remake. Happily, they later produced this “Battleground” variant with subtler flesh tones and unique hair.

Teela:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Ed Speir

My young daughter is a big Teela fan, and so I’d like to buy a Teela to stand alongside her She-Ra figure. I’d also like to photograph Teela striking a battle pose with some giant monster or another lurking menacingly in the background.

Queen Marlena/Captain Glenn:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Ed Speir

If anything, this Queen Marlena figure (in her Earth astronaut outfit) is more blatantly sci-fi pulp in its design than Icarius. Any action figure with a bigass bubble helmet is a wonderful action figure.

Zodac (Fan Custom):

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Photo Appears Courtesy of masterenglish at DeviantArt

Man… I wish I could make toys like that.

Fisto:

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Matthew K at The Fwoosh

Fisto was another highlight of the vintage series, and his update in the 200X series was awesome, as well. This latest version from the Classics line is easily the greatest ever. Look at that head sculpt!

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Photo Appears Courtesy of Poe Ghostal

And of course…

He-Man:

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 Photo Appears Courtesy of Michael Crawford

I already have a Battle Cat and a Panthor thanks to my friend Bill in Idaho, and I bought that giant gorilla dude Gygor when he was severely discounted at Big Bad Toy Store, plus my friend Heli88 at Articulation Junkies scored me an Adora figure, which I’ll most likely photograph a few times and then surrender to my daughter. Clearly, I cannot say “If I could only have one Masters of the Universe Classics figure” when I already have nearly half a dozen.

Still.

If I could only have one Masters of the Universe Classics figure, it would be He-Man. There are MOTUC figures that are cooler or more ornate, but none have the iconic appeal of the big H himself.

If I surprise myself by landing a job this summer, I must put an end to nearly four years of mumbled vows. I must purchase a Masters of the Universe Classics He-Man action figure.

And a Moss Man… and a Carnivus…

And a Vikor… and a Teela…

And…

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